it done broke down - 7. the dreamers

by nick nelson

part seven of 13

for previous episode, click here

to begin at the beginning, click here

left alone in the room, the narrator, whose name was rick richards and who was also a direct descendant of king richard the lion-hearted, got up and looked out the window. the window, and the room, were on the fifteenth floor. there were no bars on the window. outside, the sky was blue. he wished he had a shave and a haircut, so that he looked more presentable for his interrogation. it was always good to look good. his pappy had told him that, and his mama had too. and he had never forgotten it. with a sigh, he returned to his chair and waited for robin hood to return with a pencil. and hopefully, a sandwich too. and maybe even a cup of coffee, even though he had not asked for one. rick believed in dreams, and followed his. cindy folowed her dreams, too. her dream of being free. she needed all the money she could save to leave town and be free. so she decided to hitchhike to the city instead of taking the bus. her friends told her, cindy, play it safe and take the bus. just like they told joe not to go down to the river snd shoot his lady friend. joe might have listened to their good counsel. but cindy did not. she thought she was a big girl and could take care of herself. when she got down to the highway, she realized her mistake. most of the traffic was big trucks, with the cabs so high she could not even see if they had drivers. a few sedans and coupes whizzed by, but none of them had drivers as far as she could see. and none of them, trucks or cars, even slowed down as they went past her. it started to get dark. cindy considered giving up, getting off the highway and going back to town and getting on the bus. she decided to give it a little longer, until it got completely dark. you can just guess what happened next. i did not ask for a suspense filled narrative, robin hood told rick richards, as he perused the account rick had started in the notebook with the pencil robin had brought him. well, what do you want? rick replied. you are hard to please. i am hard to please? you are hard to please, especially after i brought you back that nice sandwich. how is it, by the way? good, good. i especially appreciate the spicy mustard. then show your appreciation by simply stating the facts, with no fancy embellishment. all right. i will try. i see that it is getting late. there is no late here. oh. i did not know that. next

it done broke down - 6. the two bobs

by nick nelson

part six of 13

for previous episode, click here

to begin at the beginning, click here

well, spit it out. don’t keep me in suspense. all right, then. first you told me that bob jones was a bum that did not have any money, and that cindy and the other women in town were attracted to him despite that fact. um - did i say that? yes, you did. and then just a few minutes later, you said of the same bob jones, and i quote directly from my notes, “if you had his money, you would burn yours,” unquote. oh, i know what i happened. what happened? i got bob e jones and bob f jones mixed up. they were cousins. bob e jones was the hot young stud who made the ladies gasp, and it was bob f jones who had all the money. it all comes back to me now. i see. and which one of them did our friend cindy - decrepit, one foot in the grave , forty year old cindy, take an interest in? ' both of them, in different ways. you know what women are like. no, my friend , i do not know what women are like. i do know that i have just awarded you two more demerits for that incredibly offensive remark, and you are now teetering on the edge. the edge of what? i think we both know the answer to that. what happened to the pencil and the notebook where i was going to write everything down? i got distracted. it was all your fault. i am sorry. wait here while i get you a pencil. why don’t you get me a sandwich, too. maybe. robin hood got up and left the room, leaving the narrator to his thoughts. or to the pleasure of emptying his mind after trying to answer robin’s foolish questions. as robin hood was walking down the brightly lit corridor to the supply room, who should he see but maid marian, coming out of the exercise room with a small barbell in her hand. robin wondered if he should ask marian to get the narrator a sandwich. it would give him an excuse to speak to her. but he thought better of the dangerous impulse, which marian might interpret as an arrogant assertion of privilege on his part, asking her to perform such a menial task. in the end robin simply nodded to marian as she passed him, idly twirling the small barbell in her delicate hand. another opportunity lost! for what is life, but an endless chain of lost opportunities? next

it done broke down - 5. cindy leaves town

by nick nelson

part five of 13

for previous episode, click here

to begin at the beginning, click here

she left town. but then, a lot of people left town after the mill broke down. how did cindy leave town? you mean what was her state of mind? no, i mean did she hitchhike, did she have a car of her own, did she take a bus? nobody hitchhikes any more. maybe not, but it is still a standard question, and statistics are kept on it. why is that, i wonder? i think it has to do with serial killers. there are still people trying to track down old serial killers, and a lot of them picked up hitchhikers. serial killers! what are you going to bring up next, gunslingers who traveled from town to town? we are getting off the subject again. i take it from your response that cindy did not hitchhike out of town. not after the mill closed down, she didn’t. maybe when she was younger, and hitchhiking was still a thing. when she was younger? but she was still pretty young when she let town, wasn’t she? no, she was ancient. ancient? yes, she was about forty. forty! i thought you said she was young. no, i never said anything about her age. it is you, mister deputy administrator, taking things for granted. so how old was bob jones when all this was going on? i don’t know, about seventeen, eighteen. so he was just a child! and cindy was a child molester! well, i don’t know if she ever actually got to molest him. he turned her down remember? but he was just a child! you grow up fast with that kind of money. at least that is what they tell me. but he should have been well protected if he was worth that much. that is one way to look at it. really? and what other way is there? with all that money, you got people trying to take advantage of you from the day you were born, and you learn to deal with it. that is a very negative attitude. but i should be used to it from you by now. hey, i am trying to be helpful here. first, you do not tell me that bill bailey was black, then you fail to mention that cindy was an old woman. are you neglecting any pertinent details as to bob jones? i don’t think so. you know what i think? do you want to know what i think? no, what do you think? i think this interview is over. here is what is going to happen. i am going to give you this notebook, this ruled notebook, you see it? i see it. ever see one of them before? kids in school used to use them, back in the day. when they weren’t hitchhiking and stealing apples from farmer brown’s orchard and getting into mischief. whatever. now i am going to leave you here and you are going to sit here and fill up this notebook with everything, and i do mean everything, that you know about bill bailey and cindy and bob jones and anyone else connected to them, do you understand? i need a pencil. i don’t carry one around with me. you will be provided with a pencil. but before i leave you, let me just check my notes. can i get something to eat? i am hungry. maybe. let me check my notes first. i could probably write better if i wasn’t starving. what the - here is a discrepancy, an absolutely huge discrepancy in everything you have said. it makes me wonder if i can take a single word you have said seriously. < next

it done broke down - 4. bill and bob and cindy

by nick nelson

part four of 13

for previous episode, click here

to begin at the beginning, click here

too bad. let’s move on. to cindy. and bob jones. all right. cindy dumped our friend bill for bob jones, right? right. i see you are learning to confine your responses to the minimum of required information. one more question about bill - did he have a last name? bailey. as in, bill bailey, won’t you please come home? i guess. bill bailey, that was his name. did anybody care if he came home? not so far as know. or even if he had a home. there you go again, volunteering information when it was not asked for. well, i did not volunteer the information that bill was black, and you got on my case for that. so i guess i can’t win. guess all you want , my friend, i, not you, am the deputy administrator of intersectionality for social balance, and i will decide if you win or lose. fair enough. so bill’s full name was bill bailey. yes. did his mother or anyone else call him william? i do not know. all right, back to cindy and bob jones. cindy and bob jones, i’m on it. at your service, mister deputy administrator. dod bob reciprocate cindy’s interest? no, he did not. really? that is interesting. why not? bob could have his pick of all the women in town. he was what used to be called an alpha male. used to be is right. the term is a remnant of patriarchy, and not recognized by the department of intersectionality for social balance. just like i said. do i get a point for that? there are no points here. just answer the questions. i am trying. how was bob jones fixed for cash? very well. he had enough money to burn a wet mule. if you had his money, you would burn yours. i suppose you think that was the reason cindy was attracted to him, and got rid of poor bill bailey. i did not say that. you are putting words in my mouth, mister deputy administrator. so how did cindy handle her rejection by bob jones? not very well, apparently. how apparently? < next

it done broke down - 3. bagging it

by nick nelson

part three of 13

for previous episode, click here

to begin at the beginning, click here

when cindy left him, bill broke down and cried. and then what? and then what what? what happened to bill after he broke down and cried because cindy dumped him? nothing much. why don’t you tel me what it was, and i will decide how much it was. bill pulled himself together, and got himself another job, not as well paying as the one at the mill. and this job was - what? bagging groceries at the local supermarket. and bill was how old at this time? i believe he was thirty-three. not much of a job for a man that age, eh? was he crushed, humiliated? he must have joined a militia, a white supremacy group, right? well, no, he did not. why not? probably a lot of reasons. for one thing, he was black. what? you did not tell me that. you didn’t ask. don’t pull that innocent oh i don’t see race i am colorblind balderdash on me, my friend, it won’t do. do you know who i am? no, who are you? i am the local deputy administrator of intersectionality for social balance, that’s who i am. i thought you were just a guy named joe. my name is robin, robin hood.. i am pleased to meet you , robin. i am sure you are. now getting back to bill, who you so deliberately and egregiously forgot to inform me was black… actually, he was not as black as all that. oh? how black was he, then? <> he had sixteen great-great-grandparents. five of them were black, two of them were white, one was japanese, and eight were polynesian. so he was black. what about cindy, what was she? she was an eskimo. anything else you can tell me about cindy? she played the mandolin. some people suspected her of being a vampire. not me, i hasten to add, some people. let me check my notes here. this bob jones who caused the trouble between bill and cindy, what was he? he was a direct descendant of king richard the lion hearted, and as white as a bar of ivory soap. you don’t say so. i, too, am a direct descendant of king richard the lion-hearted. personally, if you ask me, i think that stuff is overrated. nobody asked you. next

it done broke down - 2. the matter with the mill

by nick nelson

part two of 13

to read part one, click here

poor bill. his problems all began at the mill. what was the matter with the mill? it done broke down. you do not say so. and then what happened? he went down to the river to shoot his old lady. are you sure his name wasn’t joe? yes, of course! it was joe! i get bill and joe mixed up. by the way, referring to human females of any age as “old ladies” is incredibly offensive. you have been warned. is that my last warning? maybe. as you were saying, about bill, or joe as the case may be… i was confused. it was joe, not bill, who went down to the river to shoot his old lady, i mean his female friend.. if he was going to shoot her, she probably was not his friend any more. good point. but as i was saying about bill… what was i saying about bill? the wandering minstrel was telling a story about him, and expressing sympathy for his plight, whatever it might have been. of course. well, bill had a girl friend - not an old lady, ha ha… you find respect for women humorous, do you? no, of course not. i t won’t happen again. and bill had a best friend named bob jones. bob was a handsome fellow who was much admired by the ladies, but he was a bum and did not have a job. bill’s girl friend - i guess the term “girl friend” is all right, right? you have not objected. ii am not objecting to anything. where did you get that idea? it is you who can not just get on with it. right. bill’s girl friend - did she have a name? cindy williams-fletcher. two names, huh? was she stuck up? no, she was the salt of the earth, and always wore a smile. all right. get on with it, please. cindy, like all the other women in town, was smitten …. smitten. that’s an old-fashioned word you don’t hear much any more. i am an old fashioned person. cindy was smitten with bob jones, but he was a bum and didn’t have any money to take her out and buy her nice things, so she pretended to like bill, who, take it all in all was a pretty dull fellow, because he had a job at the mill and a few dollars in his pocket. and then what? then the mill broke down. cindy dumped bill like a sack of hot potatoes. is that even an expression? was it ever an expression? it is in professor morgan’s encyclopedia of british and american colloquialisms. the fourth unabridged edition. all right, i will take your word for it next

it done broke down - 1. a stormy night

by nick nelson

part one of 13

a hit man, a wandering minstrel, a hooker with a heart of gold, and a savage dictator were sitting around on a stormy night. outside, the wind howled. did you hear about bill? the wandering minstrel asked. no, what about him? the hooker with the heart of gold replied. he’s got no more gas in his tank. poor fellow, the savage dictator said. he tried so hard. nobody ever tried harder, the hit man agreed. what exactly was up with him? the hooker asked. i never did hear the whole story. excuse me, but do these people have names? are you going to keep on calling them the hit man, etc? and do they have stories? and exactly where are they sitting around on this stormy night, and how do they come to be acquainted with each other? very well, then, the hit man’s name was roger williams, and he was a registered republican. the wandering minstel’s name was leonardo yarborough, and he really was not a very good minstrel, but he tried, and that is all you can ask of anybody, don’t you think? did he wander around much? yes, he wandered quite far afield. that part of what he did he did quite well. the hooker’s name was veronica kingman, and she had a heart of gold. we already knew that. did she have any other distinguishing characteristics? was she fat, thin, old, young, what? she could have lost a little weight, and she was not as young as she used to be. thank you. and the savage dictator, why is he hanging out with these humble personages? it’s a long story. let’s hear it. we have nothing but time.. his name was karol - karol with a k - cassius, and, savage as he was, he liked to get out and talk to the people, you know? listen to what they had to say. surely he had some kind of bodyguard in the vicinity? yes, he did. and what was the bodyguard’s name? this is like pulling teeth. the bodyguard’s name was helena ostroewski, and she was a master of all the killing arts. i am sure she was. what else can you tell me about her? i think she had seen and done things too terrible to be described you think? oh,well, it is not important. get on with it. where was i? something about a poor fellow named bill. oh yes, it was a sad case. a sad case indeed. i am listening. the narrator seemed momentarily overcome with emotion, but pulled himself together and continued. next