it done broke down - 5. cindy leaves town

by nick nelson

part five of 13

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she left town. but then, a lot of people left town after the mill broke down. how did cindy leave town? you mean what was her state of mind? no, i mean did she hitchhike, did she have a car of her own, did she take a bus? nobody hitchhikes any more. maybe not, but it is still a standard question, and statistics are kept on it. why is that, i wonder? i think it has to do with serial killers. there are still people trying to track down old serial killers, and a lot of them picked up hitchhikers. serial killers! what are you going to bring up next, gunslingers who traveled from town to town? we are getting off the subject again. i take it from your response that cindy did not hitchhike out of town. not after the mill closed down, she didn’t. maybe when she was younger, and hitchhiking was still a thing. when she was younger? but she was still pretty young when she let town, wasn’t she? no, she was ancient. ancient? yes, she was about forty. forty! i thought you said she was young. no, i never said anything about her age. it is you, mister deputy administrator, taking things for granted. so how old was bob jones when all this was going on? i don’t know, about seventeen, eighteen. so he was just a child! and cindy was a child molester! well, i don’t know if she ever actually got to molest him. he turned her down remember? but he was just a child! you grow up fast with that kind of money. at least that is what they tell me. but he should have been well protected if he was worth that much. that is one way to look at it. really? and what other way is there? with all that money, you got people trying to take advantage of you from the day you were born, and you learn to deal with it. that is a very negative attitude. but i should be used to it from you by now. hey, i am trying to be helpful here. first, you do not tell me that bill bailey was black, then you fail to mention that cindy was an old woman. are you neglecting any pertinent details as to bob jones? i don’t think so. you know what i think? do you want to know what i think? no, what do you think? i think this interview is over. here is what is going to happen. i am going to give you this notebook, this ruled notebook, you see it? i see it. ever see one of them before? kids in school used to use them, back in the day. when they weren’t hitchhiking and stealing apples from farmer brown’s orchard and getting into mischief. whatever. now i am going to leave you here and you are going to sit here and fill up this notebook with everything, and i do mean everything, that you know about bill bailey and cindy and bob jones and anyone else connected to them, do you understand? i need a pencil. i don’t carry one around with me. you will be provided with a pencil. but before i leave you, let me just check my notes. can i get something to eat? i am hungry. maybe. let me check my notes first. i could probably write better if i wasn’t starving. what the - here is a discrepancy, an absolutely huge discrepancy in everything you have said. it makes me wonder if i can take a single word you have said seriously. < next

it done broke down - 4. bill and bob and cindy

by nick nelson

part four of 13

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too bad. let’s move on. to cindy. and bob jones. all right. cindy dumped our friend bill for bob jones, right? right. i see you are learning to confine your responses to the minimum of required information. one more question about bill - did he have a last name? bailey. as in, bill bailey, won’t you please come home? i guess. bill bailey, that was his name. did anybody care if he came home? not so far as know. or even if he had a home. there you go again, volunteering information when it was not asked for. well, i did not volunteer the information that bill was black, and you got on my case for that. so i guess i can’t win. guess all you want , my friend, i, not you, am the deputy administrator of intersectionality for social balance, and i will decide if you win or lose. fair enough. so bill’s full name was bill bailey. yes. did his mother or anyone else call him william? i do not know. all right, back to cindy and bob jones. cindy and bob jones, i’m on it. at your service, mister deputy administrator. dod bob reciprocate cindy’s interest? no, he did not. really? that is interesting. why not? bob could have his pick of all the women in town. he was what used to be called an alpha male. used to be is right. the term is a remnant of patriarchy, and not recognized by the department of intersectionality for social balance. just like i said. do i get a point for that? there are no points here. just answer the questions. i am trying. how was bob jones fixed for cash? very well. he had enough money to burn a wet mule. if you had his money, you would burn yours. i suppose you think that was the reason cindy was attracted to him, and got rid of poor bill bailey. i did not say that. you are putting words in my mouth, mister deputy administrator. so how did cindy handle her rejection by bob jones? not very well, apparently. how apparently? < next

it done broke down - 3. bagging it

by nick nelson

part three of 13

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when cindy left him, bill broke down and cried. and then what? and then what what? what happened to bill after he broke down and cried because cindy dumped him? nothing much. why don’t you tel me what it was, and i will decide how much it was. bill pulled himself together, and got himself another job, not as well paying as the one at the mill. and this job was - what? bagging groceries at the local supermarket. and bill was how old at this time? i believe he was thirty-three. not much of a job for a man that age, eh? was he crushed, humiliated? he must have joined a militia, a white supremacy group, right? well, no, he did not. why not? probably a lot of reasons. for one thing, he was black. what? you did not tell me that. you didn’t ask. don’t pull that innocent oh i don’t see race i am colorblind balderdash on me, my friend, it won’t do. do you know who i am? no, who are you? i am the local deputy administrator of intersectionality for social balance, that’s who i am. i thought you were just a guy named joe. my name is robin, robin hood.. i am pleased to meet you , robin. i am sure you are. now getting back to bill, who you so deliberately and egregiously forgot to inform me was black… actually, he was not as black as all that. oh? how black was he, then? <> he had sixteen great-great-grandparents. five of them were black, two of them were white, one was japanese, and eight were polynesian. so he was black. what about cindy, what was she? she was an eskimo. anything else you can tell me about cindy? she played the mandolin. some people suspected her of being a vampire. not me, i hasten to add, some people. let me check my notes here. this bob jones who caused the trouble between bill and cindy, what was he? he was a direct descendant of king richard the lion hearted, and as white as a bar of ivory soap. you don’t say so. i, too, am a direct descendant of king richard the lion-hearted. personally, if you ask me, i think that stuff is overrated. nobody asked you. next

it done broke down - 2. the matter with the mill

by nick nelson

part two of 13

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poor bill. his problems all began at the mill. what was the matter with the mill? it done broke down. you do not say so. and then what happened? he went down to the river to shoot his old lady. are you sure his name wasn’t joe? yes, of course! it was joe! i get bill and joe mixed up. by the way, referring to human females of any age as “old ladies” is incredibly offensive. you have been warned. is that my last warning? maybe. as you were saying, about bill, or joe as the case may be… i was confused. it was joe, not bill, who went down to the river to shoot his old lady, i mean his female friend.. if he was going to shoot her, she probably was not his friend any more. good point. but as i was saying about bill… what was i saying about bill? the wandering minstrel was telling a story about him, and expressing sympathy for his plight, whatever it might have been. of course. well, bill had a girl friend - not an old lady, ha ha… you find respect for women humorous, do you? no, of course not. i t won’t happen again. and bill had a best friend named bob jones. bob was a handsome fellow who was much admired by the ladies, but he was a bum and did not have a job. bill’s girl friend - i guess the term “girl friend” is all right, right? you have not objected. ii am not objecting to anything. where did you get that idea? it is you who can not just get on with it. right. bill’s girl friend - did she have a name? cindy williams-fletcher. two names, huh? was she stuck up? no, she was the salt of the earth, and always wore a smile. all right. get on with it, please. cindy, like all the other women in town, was smitten …. smitten. that’s an old-fashioned word you don’t hear much any more. i am an old fashioned person. cindy was smitten with bob jones, but he was a bum and didn’t have any money to take her out and buy her nice things, so she pretended to like bill, who, take it all in all was a pretty dull fellow, because he had a job at the mill and a few dollars in his pocket. and then what? then the mill broke down. cindy dumped bill like a sack of hot potatoes. is that even an expression? was it ever an expression? it is in professor morgan’s encyclopedia of british and american colloquialisms. the fourth unabridged edition. all right, i will take your word for it next

it done broke down - 1. a stormy night

by nick nelson

part one of 13

a hit man, a wandering minstrel, a hooker with a heart of gold, and a savage dictator were sitting around on a stormy night. outside, the wind howled. did you hear about bill? the wandering minstrel asked. no, what about him? the hooker with the heart of gold replied. he’s got no more gas in his tank. poor fellow, the savage dictator said. he tried so hard. nobody ever tried harder, the hit man agreed. what exactly was up with him? the hooker asked. i never did hear the whole story. excuse me, but do these people have names? are you going to keep on calling them the hit man, etc? and do they have stories? and exactly where are they sitting around on this stormy night, and how do they come to be acquainted with each other? very well, then, the hit man’s name was roger williams, and he was a registered republican. the wandering minstel’s name was leonardo yarborough, and he really was not a very good minstrel, but he tried, and that is all you can ask of anybody, don’t you think? did he wander around much? yes, he wandered quite far afield. that part of what he did he did quite well. the hooker’s name was veronica kingman, and she had a heart of gold. we already knew that. did she have any other distinguishing characteristics? was she fat, thin, old, young, what? she could have lost a little weight, and she was not as young as she used to be. thank you. and the savage dictator, why is he hanging out with these humble personages? it’s a long story. let’s hear it. we have nothing but time.. his name was karol - karol with a k - cassius, and, savage as he was, he liked to get out and talk to the people, you know? listen to what they had to say. surely he had some kind of bodyguard in the vicinity? yes, he did. and what was the bodyguard’s name? this is like pulling teeth. the bodyguard’s name was helena ostroewski, and she was a master of all the killing arts. i am sure she was. what else can you tell me about her? i think she had seen and done things too terrible to be described you think? oh,well, it is not important. get on with it. where was i? something about a poor fellow named bill. oh yes, it was a sad case. a sad case indeed. i am listening. the narrator seemed momentarily overcome with emotion, but pulled himself together and continued. next

the vulture wondered what it might be like to ride a bicycle

the rabbit had no respect