it done broke down - 2. the matter with the mill

by nick nelson

part two of 13

to read part one, click here

poor bill. his problems all began at the mill. what was the matter with the mill? it done broke down. you do not say so. and then what happened? he went down to the river to shoot his old lady. are you sure his name wasn’t joe? yes, of course! it was joe! i get bill and joe mixed up. by the way, referring to human females of any age as “old ladies” is incredibly offensive. you have been warned. is that my last warning? maybe. as you were saying, about bill, or joe as the case may be… i was confused. it was joe, not bill, who went down to the river to shoot his old lady, i mean his female friend.. if he was going to shoot her, she probably was not his friend any more. good point. but as i was saying about bill… what was i saying about bill? the wandering minstrel was telling a story about him, and expressing sympathy for his plight, whatever it might have been. of course. well, bill had a girl friend - not an old lady, ha ha… you find respect for women humorous, do you? no, of course not. i t won’t happen again. and bill had a best friend named bob jones. bob was a handsome fellow who was much admired by the ladies, but he was a bum and did not have a job. bill’s girl friend - i guess the term “girl friend” is all right, right? you have not objected. ii am not objecting to anything. where did you get that idea? it is you who can not just get on with it. right. bill’s girl friend - did she have a name? cindy williams-fletcher. two names, huh? was she stuck up? no, she was the salt of the earth, and always wore a smile. all right. get on with it, please. cindy, like all the other women in town, was smitten …. smitten. that’s an old-fashioned word you don’t hear much any more. i am an old fashioned person. cindy was smitten with bob jones, but he was a bum and didn’t have any money to take her out and buy her nice things, so she pretended to like bill, who, take it all in all was a pretty dull fellow, because he had a job at the mill and a few dollars in his pocket. and then what? then the mill broke down. cindy dumped bill like a sack of hot potatoes. is that even an expression? was it ever an expression? it is in professor morgan’s encyclopedia of british and american colloquialisms. the fourth unabridged edition. all right, i will take your word for it next

it done broke down - 1. a stormy night

by nick nelson

part one of 13

a hit man, a wandering minstrel, a hooker with a heart of gold, and a savage dictator were sitting around on a stormy night. outside, the wind howled. did you hear about bill? the wandering minstrel asked. no, what about him? the hooker with the heart of gold replied. he’s got no more gas in his tank. poor fellow, the savage dictator said. he tried so hard. nobody ever tried harder, the hit man agreed. what exactly was up with him? the hooker asked. i never did hear the whole story. excuse me, but do these people have names? are you going to keep on calling them the hit man, etc? and do they have stories? and exactly where are they sitting around on this stormy night, and how do they come to be acquainted with each other? very well, then, the hit man’s name was roger williams, and he was a registered republican. the wandering minstel’s name was leonardo yarborough, and he really was not a very good minstrel, but he tried, and that is all you can ask of anybody, don’t you think? did he wander around much? yes, he wandered quite far afield. that part of what he did he did quite well. the hooker’s name was veronica kingman, and she had a heart of gold. we already knew that. did she have any other distinguishing characteristics? was she fat, thin, old, young, what? she could have lost a little weight, and she was not as young as she used to be. thank you. and the savage dictator, why is he hanging out with these humble personages? it’s a long story. let’s hear it. we have nothing but time.. his name was karol - karol with a k - cassius, and, savage as he was, he liked to get out and talk to the people, you know? listen to what they had to say. surely he had some kind of bodyguard in the vicinity? yes, he did. and what was the bodyguard’s name? this is like pulling teeth. the bodyguard’s name was helena ostroewski, and she was a master of all the killing arts. i am sure she was. what else can you tell me about her? i think she had seen and done things too terrible to be described you think? oh,well, it is not important. get on with it. where was i? something about a poor fellow named bill. oh yes, it was a sad case. a sad case indeed. i am listening. the narrator seemed momentarily overcome with emotion, but pulled himself together and continued. next

the vulture wondered what it might be like to ride a bicycle

the rabbit had no respect

the road goes on forever but there might be an arbys roast beef around the bend

maybe they forgot we were here

the dances were often very graceful #2